Doc, I think I have a fever...

I am getting the baby fever. BAD!

I was just getting used to sleeping a good 6 hours straight.

My youngest, Luke is starting to potty train so soon it will be good-bye diapers!

I just went through all of our baby stuff and goodwilled everything.

Why oh why has my mind tried to convince me to have another baby? I jokingly tell Rich all the time that I would have another one in a heartbeat if he could guarantee me a girl.

Of course there are NO guarantees in life.

Gosh what in the hell would I do with another BOY??!!?? Of course I would love love love him, but (and mothers of boys can sympathize with me) boys can drain just about every ounce of you. At least my boys do. There's no sitting down and playing with hair, learning to accessorize, or painting toenails. Its down on the floor playing cars, running around the house trying to solve the mystery, or wrestling.

So if we are going to try for another one, we will start trying in June. So I have till then to make up my mind. Lord help me!

Merry Merry Christmas

I have so much joy in my heart.

Even as I sit here in tears.

So many bad things go on in this world today that its no wonder that we aren't all on anti-depressants and visiting our therapist on a daily basis.

My brother in law is currently over in Iraq, a few months into his year long deployment.

I follow a couple of other mommy blogs religiously. One is Heather's Blog, a mom who had to go through one of my worst nightmares. She tragically lost her sweet baby Maddie.

The other blog I wanted to mention is Kathie's Blog, a woman that lost her husband to cancer.

These tremendous ladies live their lives everyday with one of their greatest loves gone. They are both getting ready to celebrate their first Christmas without them.

As I sit here this morning with sleepy eyes just waiting for my coffee to kick in, I think about all the GOOD things in my life. My sweet, beautiful boys have brought SO much joy to my life. They are in such good health, they have such a zest for life, and they offer so much humor into my world.

My husband is one heck of a guy. He is the greatest father, he works extremley hard to provide for our family, and he rubs my back whenever I ask! He loves me at my worst, laughs at me when I am stressing out too much, and supports every dream of mine.

I have so much to be thankful for when I think of the things that could go wrong in my life that I have no control over. Many thoughts and prayers go to my blogger friends that have suffered great tragadies this past year. And of course my heart goes to my best friend, my sister and her family as they celebrate this Christmas with her husband serving for us over in Iraq.

With all the hustle and stress that we all go through this time of year, please take the time to remember the GOOD things that you do have in life. And when your taking that time, please remember those that have suffered so much more than you. And please say a little prayer, or whatever your believes are to send those some good cheer and love.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Why are we so upset over Tiger?

Okay so in case you have been living in a cave, y'all know about Tiger Woods' um...how did he describe it...indiscretions. So why is everyone up in arms over it? Why is everyone acting like they just heard that their brother was caught cheating on his wife?

Why?

Because in this day and age of overpaid athletes, Tiger was one of the good guys. This is the guy that broke down in tears on live television when he won the majors after his father passed away. The guy that you never find on TMZ.com kissing up on the ladies. The guy that was ultra private and just played the game with a tremendous passion.

And he turns out to be an asshole.

Go figure.

I know innocent until proven guilty.

Its upsetting because we live in a world where this stuff happens everyday. Because we live to believe that those pro athletes that have all the money and all the things in the world have quite a life. Because Tiger and his wife have to sweet little babies that are in the middle of it. Whats not to be upset about a man cheating on his wife? Really.

But I do have to say, everyone please just drop it! Does anyone really think we help the situation by glorifying all these women who are coming out of the wood work claiming that they have had sex with Tiger? I am so sick of hearing everyone talk about it. Is Tiger a sex addict? How many more women are there? WHO CARES!!! Come on, it was in the news, now its time to drop it and move on.

Mindless rant over.

The bitch is pregnant!

And I am not talking about me. My sweet baby Molly may be pregnant.

It started off with a slight weight gain. I wasn't going to mention anything cause hey a girl is allowed to gain a few pounds here and there, especially during the holidays. It wasn't till the hubby mentioned something.

Hubby: Does Molly look like she has gained some weight?

Me: Its the holidays leave us alone! I mean yeah a little bit.

Off to google we go. We have come to the conclusion that when my brother in law was here a few weeks ago with his MALE dog, that he might have knocked her up.

GREAT! Its not enough that taking care of my OWN kids drives me crazy, now I am gonna have to take care of some mutt puppies?

So now its just a weighting game (haha...pardon the pun!). I guess it will be a little fun to have some pups running around.

What a big baby!

And yes, I am talking about me. Tomorrow morning, I am having minor surgery to remove all 4 of my wisdom teeth. Yes, I am a very late bloomer. Your talking to the girl who got chicken pox at age 18. So at 27 years of age, my wisdom teeth just now decide to grow half way in and I must get them removed before they cause me anymore pain.

So today, I am just running around the house, trying to get things in order since I will be out of commission for the rest of the weekend. But I have to say that my mind keeps running back to the fact that I will be under general anesthesia tomorrow morning and then I get a little freaked! I am going to be having an oral surgeon literally breathing down my neck (well throat actually but you get the general area...) cutting into my jaw and yanking out my teeth.

But I am kinda looking forward to my vicodin induced "vacation". Rich has vowed to try and keep the kids out of my hair and my mom will be around to take care of me. Yes like I said I am a big baby and I need my mommy.

So back to cleaning to try and keep my mind off of things. I can't believe that today, me (you know the MOM) is being a bigger baby than my one year old.

I wanna be a "blogger"!

Okay total honesty here.

I thought I would start this blog as a way of having a sort of online journal.

But damnit, now I just wanna be famous!

Okay not famous ala Perez Hilton and end up getting bitch slapped by the Black Eyed Peas, or their bodyguard, whomever you want to believe.

But I want followers! I want people to feverishly log on everyday to see if I have had anything to say. So in an effort to get some more people, I will list a few things you may not know, or want to know for that matter, about me.

1. I love to write, but I never have anything to write about. I get great ideas at the weirdest of times, and for this I have considered carrying around a recorder.

2. I have a Blackberry curve and no matter how COOL it makes me feel, I have no idea how to use it! I have had the dang thing for a year and am still learning things about it.

3. I think deep down somewhere there is a man living inside of me. I am such a typical girl in the sense that I have a sick love affair with bags and shoes. But I could surprise you...

4. I am one of the crazy dog ladies who has created a voice for her dog to carry on a conversation with me. Hey she loves me unconditional, I just know it. What a crazy woman...Shut up Molly!

5. I love my boys more than life itself. Okay this you may know, but in case you didn't...

6. I happen to think if I were a guy, I would totally be all over a girl like me. I'm cute, I'm not too girly, I can hang with the guys, and I totally rock in the kitchen. I am not mentioning any other specialties of mine! hahaha...

Okay that's all I can think of for now. Please feel free to ask me anything else. I am an open book. And please for my sanity's sake...FOLLOW ME!

I'm becoming me

27 years of my life have flown by. I am already starting to forget bits and pieces of high school memories. I have grown and changed so much but yet I have stayed the same and still fall in love with boys I see in the movies (I am talking about YOU Edward Cullens...).

I love the woman I have become. I love that I have been able to start calling myself a woman and believing it and not feeling silly. I feel empowered by a new sense of independence I have found. I am finally feeling myself.

I love that I feel secure enough in myself that I no longer feel intimidated in the presence of a beautiful, skinny, tall woman. I like that although I still am not happy with my body, I am no longer mad at myself for the way I look.

I love the color of my green eyes and my naturally long lash. I like my smile as thin as my lips may be because when I smile, my cheekbones are highlighted.

I finally love me. I have finally found the girl, woman, mother, that I want to be. I am finally becoming ME.

Life is a highway

And I would like to take theh closest exit please! Okay to say the least (the very least) things have been crazy around here lately.

I have been putting in some crazy hours at "work" (titled aptly so because I work my butt off and because its for my externship hours, I do NOT get paid). Thank goodness for the time change because for a little bit I was going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. Don't get me wrong, its great to feel like I am contributing to society again, but after being on my feet for 9 1/2 hours I don't wanna talk to anybody I just want to go home to the comfort of my bed.

My boys are back to not liking me again. Most nights, we get to see each other for maybe an hour before its bed time and some mornings, they don't even get up before I have to leave. It always seems that when I get a moment to call them, they are asleep so we don't even get a chance to talk. And of course if Daddy is around, I just don't exist. And if I want (or need) to get out by myself on the weekend, there is time lost with them.

SO now the guilt sets in. Life was already feeling so damn crazy before, but now its even harder to do. I want so hard to be every ones super hero, but something or someone always falls through the cracks.

So I just try my best. If I must stay on this crazy road all I can do is make sure that I bring those that I love along with me, make sure to have some great music to listen to, and enjoy the scenery as I pass it by. OH and at least try to have a smoking hot car to travel in!

My boys love me

They do. I just had to start working and leave them all day to find this out.

My externship started this past week. Mondays and Wednesdays I work 8:30am to 7:00pm so with travel time (man that traffic IS a bitch) it turns out to be a pretty long day. My boys have never been so excited to see me. They have never showed that much enthusiasm to have dinner with me, or to have me give them a bath. Leaving them sucks. They cry and ask me not to go. But to see those smiles when I get home, I just have to remind myself of that.

On a side note. My ultimate fantasy has just come true. Anyone see that HHGregg commercial with Payton Manning playing ping pong with Justin Timberlake? Love it. Although I am sure I could think of other things to do besides play ping pong...

Don't know crap

Okay so I thought that I would be totally cute and write out the ABC's of being a mom. You know a type of things I have learned list. So I sat down to write it, and couldn't come up with anything besides Diaper wipes for D. You know how you use diaper wipes for everything? That's all I could come up with. Good job Court, only 25 more letters to go!

I have been at this mothering thing for 3 1/2 years now, you would have thought I would have learned something! So I got to thinking and I came up with a few little things. Hopefully some of you moms out there can relate.

1. No matter how confident you are, no matter how much you think you have it, something will change that will throw you completely off. You think that you finally have a good sleeping pattern down, they will start teething or get sick and throw it all off. Finally found a food they will eat? Next time you serve it, they won't even touch it. Kids change their minds all the time. So adjust. Roll with the punches.

2. Make sure to show them you love them. You would think this should go without saying, but it does get fairly easy to get caught up with daily life. Work, running the house, errands tend to get in the way. There is nothing I love more than snuggling with my boys and I know that soon they wont let me, so I have to cherish this time I have now.

3. Sure I can try to carve time out for me, I can try to get someone to watch the boys so I can catch a nap. But the reality is I can't sleep. This is something I still struggle with on a daily basis, but wake up (pardon the pun) and smell the coffee. You pretty much have to be on death's door to get a good amount of uninterrupted sleep.

4. Yes the constant need of assistance from you for someone else may be annoying. But simply remind yourself that soon they won't want you to be around at all, and that helps lighten the load.

5. In complete contradiction to #3, you have to either make time for yourself or learn to savor the little moments of time you have to yourself. Even if your "time" is running errands alone, just enjoy the peace and quiet and be thankful that you don't have to make those several potty breaks while trying to get them done.

6. Just have fun. Play. Messes can be cleaned up, most of the mundane chores can wait. Trust me you will get more joy out of hearing those giggles and seeing their smiles than you will vacuuming the floor or loading up the dishwasher.

Home stretch

So I have almost made it. I am in my last week of class right now and then I start my externship. Then I am DONE!!! I am hoping to get placed at a fertility clinic and then impress them so much that they will want to hire me. I am just feeling so impatient right now. I don't want to go to class anymore, I just want to be done. And out there working. And making some money. Am I asking for too much? hahaha

But the thing I am worried about most is putting the boys in daycare. I have been a stay at home mom since Eddie was born (almost 3 1/2 years ago-YIKES!) so the thought of someone else doing my job terrifies me! Really who can do it better than me? LOL. I think Eddie will be cool, he is looking forward to making some friends and having kids his age to play with. Its Luke that really worries me. He's a momma's boy so I don't know how he will do without me all day. I am sure that things will go fine, I just worry. Hey I'm a mom, its in the job description!

So almost done. I am really proud of myself. Currently I have a 3.7 GPA and I am sure that will go up after this class is done so I might actually graduate with high honors. Go me! Seriously I was never the student that cared about my grades, as long as I passed I was cool. So I am proud that I have stuck to it and totally rocked it out!

Damn it Dora

Okay so anyone who knows my youngest, knows that he's got quite the little temper. Don't get me wrong he is the sweetest little boy I have ever met. But when he gets mad...watch out. Something is getting thrown and feet and arms will be kicking in a heat of fury. He is also VERY smart, you only have to tell him something once before he gets it.

So imagine his frustration as Dora stands there staring at Luke with those goofy huge glazed over eyes asking him if he sees the purple triangle. And then she asks him like 5 more times before she finally says "YES! Its right there!" No matter where in the house you may be, you can hear Luke's usually tiny little voice shouting at her..."Its right there! Its right there!" His voice grows louder with each word as he tries to get Dora to realize that the dang purple triangle that she has been so feverishly searching for is in fact right behind her.

Damn Dora, I thought you were suppose to be smart. I am so very sure that is the thought going through his head as he grows tired of Dora trying to find whatever. Screw this crap, I'm going to play with Legos.

I'm still young

I like to convince myself that I am in fact still young. I am "hip" with it. I know what the kids listen to. And I was watching the live show of Kayne hijacking Taylor Swift's acceptance speech.

So why do I feel so DAMN OLD? Last night (and the night before, hey it was a tough week!) I had full intentions of polishing off a six pack of Dos Equis. There are still like 3 in the fridge, and Rich was drinking too. After one beer, chips, and mild salsa, I was complaining about indigestion and went searching for the tums.

I stayed up till 11:45 watching the UT football game (and heck yes we won!) and I was completely pooped! I remember the days when my night was just picking up at 11:45!

Now my days are full of changing diapers and mending broken hearts. Learning how to save a life and administer medications. Waking up at 7am is considered sleeping in. Dora and Kai-Lan greet me and teach me how to count in forgein languages. I have two young boys call out Mommy to get my attention. And a nightcap means letting a little one sleep in our bed cause something scared him in the dark.

And I wouldn't trade going back to my early twenties for nothing!

How to please a toddler

Buy ever single toy that they think is cool. Buy every single toy that you think is cool. Go ahead and go crazy and get every color of Play-doh that you see. Take notice in their love for firetrucks, airplanes, and cars and buy the dang things whenever you see them.

Then donate them to charity. Because after they have been outta their package for oh lets say 5 minutes, your toddler will soon lose interest in it and bury it deep into the toy box for it to never be seen again.

My two boys seem to have something against their toys. They have a room full of Little People and train sets. Stuffed animals give them the sad eyes cause they don't play with them anymore. A play doctors kit that I was super excited to get Eddie because he said he wanted to be a doctor, now serves as a step stool to turn the light on and off. But in true boy fashion there is one toy that is sure to please them no matter what...

LEGOS!

They can sit and play with legos for an hour, which doesn't seem like very long, but it is a very much deserved break for mommas ears after listening to them fight and argue all day long. Even Lucas my little guy, loves to play with them. And its only taken us a few weeks to get him to not put them in his mouth. Even Rich gets in on the action and builds ships and planes with the boys. Of course they already think their Daddy hung the moon so he scores even more un-needed cool points with them for that.

So case in point, if you are looking for a good gift idea for ANY guy in your life, let them have Legos!

Love

Acceptance. Love. We all look for it. From family, friends, lovers, peers.

We struggle. People talk. Your told your love doesn't belong. Your made to feel wrong for the feelings you have.

Its a very hard thing to live through. Life is not life without love. Without love from you parents, you never learn how to truly share YOUR love. Without love from a partner, your overwhelmed with sadness.

I just heard the news today that an old friend of mine has passed away. My heart hurts not only for him, but those closely affected by his passing. It serves as a reminder for all of us to always share the love you have for those around you. Never let a moment pass you by. Never think to yourself that there will be a next time. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

And always love with an open heart, and an open mind. Just because something is different, doesn't make it wrong. Love comes in all sorts and sizes. Different colors, different forms.

Great weekend...starts a shitty week?

We totally had a great weekend this past weekend. I arrived home Thursday night to see the house spotless. Amazed I know. I would have paid to see the pic of totally shock on my face as I surveyed my clean house that wasn't cleaned by me. Rich claims that he did it, but I am feverishly looking over our bank account for any cleaning services that may have been performed.

So clean house left us to more time to get out and do things. We ran a few errands Saturday morning, nothing special by any means. But a weight was off our shoulders with no time restraints holding us down. My mom came over and it was like old times with her. We joked around like we haven't done in a while. It was really nice to see her is such a good mood.

Saturday night Rich and I went to a comedy club. It was such a blast. I love to laugh so it was good times. The drinks were quite yummy too.

Sunday we met my dad at the Air Force Museum were we had our own personal tour guide, my dad, showing us around. The boys had a BLAST. They both love airplanes so it was fun for them.

But coming back, my ears were hurting and I had been having this rumbling in my lungs all day. Felt like there was fluid in my lungs that would bubble up every time I breathed in. I was getting really dizzy and I just didn't feel good. I feel better today, I just hope I am not getting sick yet again. I am generally a healthy person, I have never been sick so many times in a row in my life. I think I am just super run down with school and all, but I will make it through.

I miss it

I remember his squishy little face. His little cry. The little grunts he made when he was nursing. The little preemie onsies we had to get because he was SO tiny it was all that would fit him for the first few weeks.

Our neighbor down the street just had her baby boy. Her first. I can't wait to get a glimpse of the new little guy. So it just has me thinking of when we had Eddie.

Everything little thing was so new and exciting. I loved waking up several times in the middle of the night to nurse him. It was so easy to just strap him up in his car seat and go. I remember so clearly my first trip out with him alone. We went to the mall and I was SO nervous about nursing him in public. I would get knots in my stomach before every check up he had. I couldn't stay in the room for his shots, so I always made Rich go with me. For a while, it was just Eddie and Me. I miss those days.

I think I have clung onto Luke's babyhood for so long because I don't feel like I have had that much time with him. Trying to keep up with two boys, time goes by so quickly. Luke and I have only had a handful of adventures alone together. Its hard to try and divide up the time.

So all this thinking of newborn babies is putting the fever back in me. Here's hoping that this is just a 24 hour bug.

Um...

So yeah nothing to really report of here lately. I started a new class this past week and I love it. We are finally getting hands on and learning how to apply what we already have learned. I can't believe that I am almost done! Its kinda scary, I am starting to get freaked out by getting back into the work world. How are my babies going to react when they are in daycare all day now? Oh good grief. The funny thing is, one of my ex boyfriends from a LONG time ago, his mother teaches the class. She is the sweetest thing, and I remember when I was breaking up with her son I was more heartbroken that I wouldn't see her anymore! Good times.

The boys are as rambunctious as ever. Lucas wants so bad to be just like his big brother, and sometimes he just can't hang. Poor little guy. He gets so frusterated that he can't do the things brother does. I feel his pain. I was the baby and my sister is 3 years older than I. I was always wanting to do the things she got to do.

Rich was in a little fender bender Monday. Some lady hit him at a stop light cause she was trying to reach for a tissue and took her foot of the brake and hit the gas for some reason. The car is okay, just a little damage and Rich is hurting in his shoulders and neck. So now all the fun begins of the phone tag with her insurance company and trying to get the repairs and medical stuff covered. It sucks but at least it was a minor accident.

So see, told you it was borning around here.

Happy Birthday to me

o 27. Here I am. Yay.

I have had several conflicting emotions through out the day. For some reason this birthday seems different than all the others.

At one moment I think Gosh, I finally feel my age. I sorta have an old soul I guess so I have always felt older, not more mature, but older.

Then I think, Gosh I am only 3 years away from 30. FUCK where did that come from? Not that I think 30 is old, but looking back at the past few years it just doesn't seem like being 23 was that long ago.

But I am okay. I've got my cheesecake and some beautiful flowers. And my boys have been fairly good today. Life is good.

Twilight dreams

I can feel it. I am lying there, candles burning all around me. The only light in the room is coming from their glow. The room has a slight chill to it, a soft cold breeze flowing through. I can't tell if I am on a bed or a couch. All I know is that it feels like a cloud, at least what I imagine laying on a cloud would feel like.

I am dressed in a long black gown. Satin tickling my skin. My hair is down, scattered like the fall leaves all around my head. I feel dazed, seem to be drifting in and out of conciseness.

I smell the sweetest smell in the air. I can't quite place the scents. Flowers? Chocolate? Its a scent that I have never smelled, yet I don't think I can ever do without. And then HE is there. I didn't notice him come into the room, I didn't even hear a door open or close. Like he appeared out of nowhere.

He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Tall and muscular. And with his pail white skin, its as if he was chiseled out of the finest white marble. His eyes are a golden hue, almost gold like. As he steps closer to me, the color starts to turn into the deepest of red. Now that he is next to me, they are almost pitch black.

He speaks to me, although I can not understand what he is saying. I am too focused on the sound of his voice. It doesn't quite sound like music but it doesn't seem as though he is speaking to me in English.

He reaches behind my neck and grabs a patch of hair. Through his force, I don't seem to feel any pain. He tilts my head to the right. As he leans down, he kisses my neck. His lips feel like cold stone, yet it sends the warmest sensation through my body. He sits up and looks me in the eye and he speaks, this time I can understand him. "Are you ready to join me for eternity?" I can't seem to even squeak a sound out so I shake my head yes.

He leans down to bite my neck and then...I hear Luke talking to Moo Cow through the monitor. Time to wake up and get back to reality.

Damn those Twilight books. Great dream. A little weird that I am dreaming of vampires, but nontheless.

What the F?

Welcome to the first of many additions of What the F?!!!! This is a post I am sure you will find many times from me as I am always wondering What the F is that person thinking?

The Goselins-Great move their Jon to go from a tyrant wife to a pot smoking, doctors kid. Yeah the doctor that gave your not even ex-wife yet a tummy tuck after she had 8 kids with you, why don't you just go date his 22 year old daughter now. That seems like a good move. "I do everything for my kids" yeah right. If you were living your life for your kids, you would be suffering like the rest of us, struggling day to day to not lose your mind as the kids drive you crazy instead of running off to St. Tropez with your girlfriend and yatching with Christian Audgier. Wow suddenly Kate screaming her head off about not using a $5 off coupon doesn't look so crazy.

Okay I'm off my soap box now.

Hang ten

Haven't updated y'all in a while so here are 10 things that happened to us this week:

My 13 year old niece Alyssa was in town. It was nice to have another girl in the house!

A physical therapy session and a post op visit with the doc that should have lasted all but an hour in a half, turned into a little mini date between me and the hubby since it took the doc 2 hours to get to us!

A three hour trip to the mall with a 13 year old seriously wore me out.

I got burnt out on school and dropped out. Not really but I am burnt out and so thankful that I take my final tomorrow.

I got in a fight with a spatula. Got whapped on the nose and have a cut right on the bridge. Needless to say, the spatula won.

Last night, I actually got a full nights sleep. That hasn't happened in like 3 years.

Eddie's birthday party was great. He got some awesome toys that he loves. Its so fun to see him use his imagination and build me things with his new tools.

I finally saw Twilight. Love it, have a little crush on Edward.

I now want to adopt a 13 year old. So much help and it was really appreciated.

I am starting to get a smidgen of the baby fever. I should be checked in as soon as possible! I question my sanity every time I think I want another one.

Welcome to this crazy life

Rich's surgery was yesterday. It is so awful. Yesterdays surgery was okay, only took like 45 minutes. But they didn't do anything besides look in at the bones. Turns out the dude needs a total meniscus transplant on his knee. His spirits are totally down and then top that off with not being able to do anything on his own. Yeah its a fun time at my house.

So its almost like I have become a single mother, all while gaining another child. Top that off with 2 hours of sleep last night and you've got one cranky momma! Its insane. So why did we think we could handle having Eddies birthday party as well this weekend? Yeah on top of taking care of all three boys this weekend, I have a party to put together!

So things are crazy. I have no idea how my research paper is going to get written, any of my homework done, and how the hell will I pass my test Monday...you've got me. Let the chaos continue...

Damn you

Damn you TMZ.com. Why do I fool myself into thinking that I will just jump on your site to see whats the latest and then end up spending 45 minutes reading mindless crap? Its like a dirty little secret of mine. I used to be celebrity obsessed. It was really like an illness for me actually. I was working at a job where there were many hours of no customers and nothing to do. So on my way into work I would stop at the grocery store and load up on the dumb magazines that led me into the lives of Britney Spears and whatever other celebrity was making the headlines that week.

But I came to my senses. I went to my meetings, "Hello my name is Courtney and I am a celebricholic..." and I kicked my awful habit. Then I had kids and now the only news I get is off my blackberry. Thank you CNN for your wonderful app.

But I have slipped. I went to TMZ.com and its been a downward spiral from there. Its not that I really care, its just nice to get wrapped up in somebody else's drama for a few minutes you know?

Really I need help.

Tag I'm it!

So my friend Heather tagged me in a photo game where I have to post the 10th picture in my first photo file on my computer and tell the story of it.

This is Lucas moments after he was born getting weighed. I was actually not awake because they had to put me under general anesthia since my epidural didn't fully take and I didn't exactly feel like having a c-section while feeling everything. This was such a hard time for us because we were so overjoyed with his birth, but Rich's father was in the hospital and wasn't doing so well. Rich's father passed 5 days after Lucas was born. They never got to meet. Lucas was the sweetest little baby. He still is, but not so much a baby anymore. I got to spend a lot of time alone with him after he was born because of all the was going on. And now he's my boy. He cries for mommy, he wants me to lay him down and kiss his owies. He's such a sweet boy. I love him so much.

Okay now I am to tag 5 others to do this so lets see:

http://thisismebabbling.blogspot.com/

http://kimcalhounphoto.blogspot.com/

http://thisismebabbling.blogspot.com/

http://wendischoffstall.com/blog/

http://themeanestmom.blogspot.com/

Lets see who shares!

Overwhelmed

I thought I had it all under control. I thought that I was doing a pretty good job juggling it all. I thought "Hey I'm doing this, I got this."

So why do I seem to have a panic attack everyday? When I take those breaks to try and line up whats next, what I need to do for the day, or how to prepare for next week I seem to break down. I can't breath. The room starts spinning. Sometimes I feel my heart beating so fast, I think it may pound outta my chest.

Rich's surgery is coming up very soon. And of course we have the hospital calling us already wanting to talk about how we are going to pay for it all. Really? Thanks a lot health insurance, really helping us out with this one. Its just all so much. Rich thinks he's gonna be up and going like days after but I know he's not going to be feeling good. How am I to study for my final that I have that week after his surgery?

People offer to help, but they don't really ever seem to have the time. And its not really their faults you know? I can't expect people to put their lives on hold to help me take care of mine. And nannies and babysitters really want to get paid for watching your kids.

Its just all seeming to be too much right now. I'm in a dark hole today. Things really aren't that bad, they just don't seem to be looking good today. I know deep down that these feelings are because I haven't been sleeping good and I am feeling physically awful all over.

Sorry nothing bright and cheery today. Like REM said: Everybody hurts, sometimes everybody cries. Today is my sometime.

Look into my pink, goober filled eye

I got to leave class early last night. And not so I could get a jump start on my holiday weekend, but because I had goobies seeping out of my pink and blood shot eye!!! I headed straight to Urgent Care and after a surprisingly short visit, I left with eye drops to cure my pink eye. Its awful and I am disinfecting EVERYTHING in hopes that the boys don't get it. I woke up with Luke at 2 something this morning and I couldn't open my eye at all because it was sealed with eye crusties. How the hell did I get pink eye one would ask? I have no freaking idea!! I have never had it either, it just really sucks.

My initial fear was that I wouldn't be able to participate in any 4th of July activities, but the doc assured me that with doing my drops as prescribed I will not be contagious by Saturday. So see, a silver lining.

So on with my normal activities today. Library, Target, grocery store. No rest for the weary, or as I say a MOTHER!

On a side note, my dear sweet hubby turned 30 yesterday! I love my baby very much. I can't believe we are getting older. I still see us as this young couple. Its crazy! But to set it all in, as Rich and I were talking to Eddie before bedtime I asked Eddie how old his daddy was today. And he says...

"OLD".

Rich skipped his nightly application of Ben-gay on the knee in hopes of trying to lift his spirits.

Birthdays and Surgeries, and Finals...OH MY!

So its almost July. For anyone who knows us, July is our busiest month. First we have Rich's birthday on the 2nd. Then we have the 4th festivities, then its Eddie's birthday, then our anniversary, and this and that...

Rich's b-day is the big one this year. 30. He is just overjoyed with turning 30 (note: sarcasm). He keeps talking about how old he is going to be. Yadda yadda yadda. As of right now, no big celebration. But hopefully soon. Rich will also be having knee surgery on the 17th. Happy Birthday, here's some good stuff for you to legally get doped up on!

Eddie will be turning 3!!! I can't believe it. He is getting so tall, he is up to my navel already. Of course me at a whopping 5 feet 2 inches, that's not saying much. He has asked for Spongebob decorations. Hey as long as there is a pinata for me to take a whack at, fine by me.

Hopefully we can squeeze in a nice dinner for our anniversary somewhere. Seven years and I am not itching yet. You know the movie, The Seven Year Itch? Yeah rereading that sounded um gross so I had to throw that in there.

And I have my final for Anatomy on the 27th. Then I will be half way done with school. I can't believe how fast it has gone. Studying hard, I have a 4.0 as of right now and I would like to keep it that way!

So much to do, so little time. Ay me, it will be Christmas before you know it...

25 Things

So finding inspiration from my blogger friend Heather, I thought I would write 25 things you probably don't know about me.

1.) I think I was suppose to be a boy. And I don't mean that in a weird I'm going to start ace bandaging my boobies down and look into getting "the change" kinda way. I have a girly side to me, really I do. But I'm really not down for cuddling, kissing, or talking for hours about the way I feel about someone. I share my feelings and thats that.

2.) When I was about 11 or 12, I cut my lip with a pair of barber scissors because I was trying to cut nose hairs and I slipped and fell. I still have a tear drop scar on my lips but you can really only see it if your up close.

3.) I love photography. I wish I could be like those cool people that own the fancy cameras and actually know how to use them. But I hardly can remember to use my pocket digital camera. I wish I could capture every little moment in life, cause it truly does all go by so fast!

4.) I am a complete medical dweeb. I will read anything and everything medical and if I don't understand it, I will research the crap outta of until I do. The body intrests me so much.

5.) I see dead people. Really I do. I have been visited by several loved ones over the years, most recently by my father in law who passed away from colon cancer a little over a year ago. He really likes to visit with my youngest Luke because he loved his grandchildren and never got to met him.

6.) I am such an open-minded, see both sides kinda girl and I almost think its a curse. There are SO many issues that I am always on the fence about cause I can understand both sides of the case. I am not wish-washy, I am just a very emotional person.

7.) I cry all the time. As reffered in #6, I am an emotional person. It doesn't take much to get tears outta me. So I hate to sound mean, but if you ever make me cry try not to feel flattered. Tears of joy, pain, heartache...I got it all covered.

8.) I have a very blunt view on death. Which is weird cause I am such an emotional person. Maybe cause I feel that even though that person is pyhsically gone, they are always with you. In saying this though, I am terrified of losing one of my kids. They are my world and I would be so lost without them. It would be like losing a limb to me.

9.) I hate talking on the phone. I have this weird thought that people hate the sound of my voice that it actually terriefies me to speak on the phone. Thank goodness for texting.

10.) I love to volunteer. I feel so extremley blessed with the things that I have in my life, that I want to do all I can to help others. I feel outta place since moving back to Ohio because I haven't had an orginization to work with. I am looking into volunteering with the Ronald McDonald house though here in Cincinnati so be on the look out soon for that.

11.) I feel very out of place here in Ohio. I love that I am back here and am able to be with family at the drop of a hat. But I really loved Austin and I miss it extremley. I got to go back last September and I had such a great time. But as I was sitting on the plane back here, I got a glimpse of downtown and I started bawling. I was already starting to miss it that much.

12.) I have recently discovered my love for gardening. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into my little garden so I am extremley proud of it. Picture a proud mom watching her son give his Valavictorian speech. Thats me looking at my flowers.

13.) I'm not really a person who cares what people think, but I just want everyone to like me. Sounds corny right? I just hope that all the people that I have met in my life have something positive to say about me.

14.) I love to be the center of attention, but not in a spotlight stealing kinda way. What can I say, I'm a leo.

15.) I am obsessed with HGTV and Better Homes and Gardens. My favorite thing to do on a saturday morning is watching whatever is on HGTV and drinking coffee. Now you wouldn't know that by the way my house looks...

16.) I think its more important to teach by doing then saying. Now in a literal sense I am a hands on person. But I think its far more important to just do the things that are right and hope that others will follow suit. At the end of the day, YOU are responsible for your actions, no one else. Thats why I also think its important to admit when you are wrong, and apologize when you have hurt someone.

17.) I think I am completley full of shit sometimes.

18.) I love my life as simple as it is. I often wish that I was this trendsetting, world traveler whom meets her girlfriends for drinks on weeknights and attends these lavish parties. But I know that I don't have the energy for that and having coffee with my hubby after the kids are asleep is enough for me.

19.) I am cheap. If theres a less expensive way around things I am all over it. I love expensive things, don't get me wrong. But I can't get myself to shell out the big bucks. TJ Maxx and $8 bottle of wines is where my money goes.

20.) I think I am courageous. Do you know how intimidating it can be going back to school at 27 years of age? I'm just saying.

21.) I had an awesome childhood, but I want something completley different for my kids. I don't think one or the other is any better, just something different.

22.) My main goal in life was to get married and have kids. Thats why I did that first and now am working on the career.

23.) My boys can drive me crazy on a daily basis, but I am so insanley happy that I had them. I can't even begin to explain how I feel for them.

24.) I don't really like chocolate. I will eat it, but only if it has like caramel or nuts or something else in it. I can't eat just plain chocolate.

25.) I am a creature of habit. I really don't intend on doing it, I just have to do certain things the same way all the time or I forget it. It like a little touch of OCD, I swear.

Yeah not that intresting, but its me.

I have followers!

Okay, so many of you that are hip to this blog world of ours, followers is nothing new or exciting to you. I have been doing this blog thing, on occasion, for about a year now I think. But looking all over this site today, I have just noticed that I have TWO followers!! I guess this means that out of this whole world, there are at least two people out there that like what I have to say SO much, that they follow me. I know I am a total dweeb, but that is so cool to me!

So as a vow to my followers, I promise to try and jazz up my posts a little more. This means trying to jazz up my life as I am sure that you two out there would hate to log on everyday to hear me blogging about poopy diapers or the rapid tempers of a soon to be 3 year old. I promise to try and post a little more often to keep you two in the loop of things going on. I will be a little more creative. And I will try to post so more pics too. As long as you keep following me, I will work my darnedest to keep you entertained, at least for the short few minutes you take out of your busy days to read what I have to say. VOTE COURTNEY 20012!! What am I running for president now? LOL!

Oh what fun this is! I love looking in on other peoples lives and seeing how they handle the stress of everyday living! Okay, I just re-read everything and realize that I need to get out of the house more often! LOL!! Well your in luck cause in this glamorous job of mine called motherhood, I have lots of errands to run today! Later!

Meaningful conversations

Eddie has been talking up a storm lately. And about nothing in particular. His favorite all time question is "What are you doing?". He asks me this every um 15 minutes I would say. "Momma what you doing?". I had this irrational fear when he was younger that he had a speaking problem or something cause he fully understood words, he just wouldn't say them. I seriously stayed awake many nights afraid that I was never going to hear him utter a single word. Now he talks...ALL THE TIME!!! He is constantly rambling about something. If he's not talking to me then he is talking to Luke. If Luke doesn't want to listen, then he talks to our dog Molly. When she has had enough and jumps the gate into the kitchen, then he talks to his toys. That boy is a talking fool and as long as he is awake, that mouth is going. Its sometimes annoying. He no longer takes naps, I just can't get him to sleep. So I make him sit down and relax for a little bit, secretly hoping that he will just fall over in exhaustion and sleep for a little bit. But even sitting down and watching a show he is still talking. He repeats whatever the character just said. He answers Dora when she asks him to help. He talks to me about the birds and squirrels outside. He asks where Dadda is. He just goes on and on and on.

But then..."Night night Momma. I love you."

Now that's the sweetest sound I have ever heard.

Didn't momma tell you?

Okay my never ending question of the day... Where has every one's brains gone? Seriously? Case in point, all of these ordeals going on with people (and by people I mean celebrities) having pictures or videos posted of them that they never intended to share with the public. If you didn't want anyone to see them then why did you make them? And better yet, why post them on Facebook for the WHOLE world to see (uh newsflash, Facebook is an INTERNATIONAL site so yes the WHOLE world sees it!)?

I am just not getting people anymore. I am usually a see both sides of the point kinda gal but I am just not seeing it in this. Paris, if you didn't want people seeing you blow your boyfriend then why film it? Miley if you didn't intend for people to see you showing your little boobies (hello? Aren't you a teenager?) to your then boyfriend then why did you send them via EMAIL to him? And why in the HELL are you putting those type of things on film?

I just don't get it. Idiots suck. No really, just download A Night in Paris and that will prove my point.

Okay rant over.

Seriously?

I can deal with the fighting. I can deal with the crankiness. I can even deal with the poopie diapers and the occasional pee all over the floor because he missed the toilet. But the screaming? Why are we doing the screaming. Seriously what is up with that (pardon the Seinfeld reference-a little late night TV still stuck in my head)?

It is mainly Luke doing the screaming. You know Momma walked too far away from me-scream! Brother tried to give me a hug--scream! I want some more milk in my sippy cup---SCREAM! And its not a little like shout out, like a little "hey mom I am still here and yes I am thirsty" scream. Its a "oh my God I think someone is cutting my arm off with a dull butter knife" scream. And why the hell after 5 straight minutes of screaming does he insist on calling out for Daddy? Really. You know your father isn't home. You saw him leave and I sure as hell know that he didn't just walk through the door. 

So since bro bro is screaming at the top of his lungs, Eddie thinks its a great idea to join in on all the fun! Except that when he gets told to stop screaming and doesn't listen, he gets put in time out. Thus beginning 5 MORE minutes of screaming. 

Where are my earplugs?

This is me

So looking back at older post, I realize that I talk about my boys A LOT! Hey I can't help it, I am totally amazed that I have made two human beings that in my eyes are so darn cute! But in all of my realization, I don't really talk about myself. If any of you are curious...

Okay so I am still kicking butt at school. I currently have a 102% so rock on!!! But I do have to say that my class right now (computer software) is totally easy so it doesn't take much. Totally dreading my next class-anatomy. Lots to do then.

I am a working out momma! I discovered a new workout called The 30 day Shred by Jillian Micheals. She is one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser. Well its great. 20 minutes with her and I am sore for days! But its all good and hopeful I won't embarrass myself to much in a swimsuit this summer. 

My flower garden is just about complete. I have literally been working my butt off to get the ground tilled up and my flowers planted. Now all I have to do is lay down so mulch and I will be done. Now if I could just figure out what to do with the bushes. Stay tuned, pics to follow soon.

That's about it. I am totally cheesy with this post but I thought I would talk myself up for once. It feels so nice to get back to myself after a couple of years of making babies and providing milk for them. I am just feeling so blessed with everything that I have right now in life. It could be SO much worse. Now its time to get back to being a mom for a few hours before I have to switch to student mode. 

Hey hey hey...goodbye!

Binks is gone! Gone are the days of playing hide and go seek with the damn things. Gone are the sleepless nights where Luke wakes us up screaming cause he can't find it. And gone are the last few days of my sweet little boys babyhood. Tear...But he is growing up so fast, its almost like I missed so much cause I blinked! He is talking up a storm lately and he already knows a lot of animal sounds and peoples names. I just can't believe it! I am so proud of both of my boys, just a little emotional lately thinking about how blessed I am. And here are the tears...must get some tissue now...

Where does the time go?

Bummed. I thought that I had time to sign up for the March of Dimes walk but come to find out, its already passed! So I will just give a bigger donation to my friend who walks this weekend. 

Well nothing much to update anyone on. School is going good and I am actually done with this class next week. So the weekend is devoted to spending time with family and studying when I have a free minute.

My boys are getting so big, I know that I say it time and time again but I can't believe it! Eddie got his hair cut and I took a picture with my phone. And I looked at it and started getting teary eyed. It seems like overnight he turned into this little boy and is no longer a baby. He is talking so good and really trying to put sentences together. Its a blast having a real conversation with him now. 

And I think I have a little genius with Luke. I might have to get some outside person to teach him things! hahaha...He is already saying things, and he will try to repeat anything you say. He calls Eddie it is so sweet. Just picture him at the end of the hallway..."Eddd-ieee". So sweet.

Well have to get going for now. Trying to spring clean, keep Eddie occupied, pack for a weekend away, do laundry, and surf the net all at the same time. And I wonder why I can't seem to get things fully done nowadays...

Just a couple of hours...

I started school a couple of weeks ago and I don't wanna toot my own horn but...TOOT TOOT!! I am so cheesy! I have been kicking butt and doing good and I just have to say that I am so proud of myself! But the thing is...

I get absolutely NO sleep!!! This is so incredibly hard and I am surviving on Lo carb Monster energy drinks and coffee. Not both of them together as that would taste awful but you know. The really good thing is I can't find time to eat anymore so I am actually losing weight! If it wasn't for my gigantic milking machines I could almost get extra small scrubs!! Okay so I am still eating but I find that if I eat healthier items that I don't feel AS tired. Plus I am not snacking anymore-who has the time? SO...

I received the most touching email that I have gotten in a while. My dearest friend sent me an email telling me that she was going to do the March of Dimes walk in memory of her dear sweet babies that she lost. She is such a strong and amazing women and I miss her dearly as she is SEVERAL miles away. So in honor of her precious little angels, I will walk here in Cincy. I could never imagine going through what she had to go through and I hate to think that there are families out there that go through it everyday. So as soon as I get all signed up, I will let y'all know, as well as try to hit you up for a donation! But in case somebody has already asked you to donate, please donate all that you can. I know that times are tough right now, but we really need to help all these precious babies that are born prematurley.

Well time to go study. Have a test today and then I have a midterm on Wednesday. I know already right? Crazy! 

Just shake it once.

So the weekend has come and gone. But quite a funny story and SHOCKER...its about one of my kids. 

I was in my room that is kinda caddy corner to our bathroom the other day and I heard Rich take Eddie into the bathroom to...well you know. Just number one though, not number two. So of course there is the standard "Pull your pants down, now your underwear" conversation. And of course my boy does what he is there to do. Then I hear Rich say the weirdest thing. "You only shake it once, anymore than that and your just playing.". Curiosity gets me and I walk in to see my sweet little baby boy...wait for it...STANDING at the potty!!! It was so stinking cute I couldn't believe it! Part of me wanted to run and grab the camera but the other part (I wanna say the sane one?) decided against it. He told Rich that he wanted to stand or in his words "Same same Dada". 

But of course the newness of it all has kicked in and today I walked into him standing there using the potty and scratching his butt. Guess he really wants to do same same as daddy!

The weekend was awesome. Got a lot done around the house and got the cars cleaned out and vacuumed. Just in time though cause as soon as we turned the vacuum cleaner off the storm clouds starting rolling in. Of course I had some girlie time with the ladies for my friend Erin's 30th birthday party. It was so fun. I love my life now, but I sure miss the days!

And now I am just getting ready for school! So excited, I can not wait. Things just keep getting better!

Calgon!

Momma is in some serious need of adult time. This motherhood thing in a mother f-er you know? I love my kids with all my heart but they seriously drove me crazy yesterday. My youngest Luke, is STILL teething and nothing seems to help him. And my oldest Eddie, well he is just being himself. But top that off with a whiny 1 year old and you get one cranky momma! It was one temper tantrum after another yesterday. It seriously took me 3 and a half hours to fold-just fold-two loads of laundry because I had to stop to break up fights and mend broken hearts. 

I remember the days of having just one kid. Things were a lot easier then. Nobody tells you just how hard having a kid is but they really don't give you a heads up for how things change when there are two!! Could you imagine more? I really think Octomom needs her head checked! Yes I brought her up but who in their right mind seriously enjoys every single day of this? I will repeat myself, I love my kids but I will be VERY surprised if I make it to see their 18th birthdays without the use of a straight jacket. 

Okay seriously you all know its not THAT bad, just had a bad day yesterday and today just seems like the repeat of it all. You have your good and you have your bad right? So I am just keeping my eye on the prize...some girl time Saturday night. A friend of mine is turning 30, can you believe we are celebrating 30 years already? Well not me, I still have 3 years but goodness. Bring on the wine and the fun!

Change will do you good.

So you are offically reading the blog of a soon to be college student! I had my last meeting with financial aid yesterday and have everything squared away to start school in a couple of weeks. I have done a lot of research and am thinking that I want to further my career to a surgical technician (scrub tech). But first things first, I must do what I originally planned to.  I am just so excited and scared and nervous. We are getting ready to make a big change just as a family as this will really change up our way of life. Monday through Thursday I won't be home to tuck the boys in to bed. And we won't have a lot of cash flowing around as I have an externship at the end of my training and we have to save for daycare. Its just nerve wrecking as any change would be. But its all for the better for us so its good. 

Eddie sent my blood pressure through the roof last Friday afternoon. We were coming out of Target and being the short attention spanned 2 year old that he is, he doesn't listen very well in the parking lot. So I put him in the basket of the cart as Luke was in the seat part. We got to the car and for some reason I started to put Luke in the cart first. I always put Eddie in first because Luke is strapped down and can't really go anywhere. But that day for some very strange reason I changed it up. Eddie pushed himself away from the car and started rolling away. Fearing that a car would drive out from nowhere and smash into him, I ran after him to stop the cart. The cart stopped, but he didn't and he fell head first onto the pavement. I immediately started to think that he had cracked his head open and must be rushed to the ER stat! The whole 10 minute ride there (thank goodness we were close!) I just kept thinking about the actress Natasha Richardson who just died from a bump on the head. 3 hours and one head xray later, turns out he is perfectly fine and has an extremely hard head (I knew that without the xray!). Unfortunately they don't prescribe any good meds for mothers who just witnessed their toddler take a nasty spill onto concrete.

A preview of whats to come.

So the weather here has been super nice which is a great break from the several blizzards and massive amount of snow we have had. It got up into the 60s yesterday and today its suppose to get up to 72 degrees!!! When the sun woke up, the birds were chirping and the squirrels are all out. Its so strange how a simple change of seasons can affect your mood. 

So as long as everything goes okay with financial aid, I will be attending school April 13th. I have decided to train for a medical assistant. That would be the person who comes in at your docs office and gets all of your vitals, preps you for the doc, and then follows through with the docs orders. I really want to become a nurse but this just seems like the best solution for now. This way I can start working and get back into school with a huge possibility of tuition reimbursement. I will be going to school in the evenings so I don't have to worry about child care. I am really excited, nervous about becoming a working mom but I am sure that this is going to work out for us.

The boys are still amazing me. Eddie is really starting to talk-thank goodness cause I was really starting to get worried! But now he says anything and everything that he hears. Yep time for momma to start watching her language as well! He is also learning his ABC's and his colors. He just loves being a big boy. Luke is really starting to grow now too. At least now when I tell people that he is 1 year old they believe me!

Overall, things are really going great for us. Life is moving in the direction that we want it to. Despite whats going on with the economy, our boys are growing and we are just enjoying everyday with each other. 

Okay sappy hallmark moment over.

Holy sickness!!

Life has been going great. Things were falling into place, the boys are just growing and amazing me each and everyday. Then the shit hits...

Eddie has the rotavirus. Its so awful around here. Luke has a touch of it too so that makes for one heck of a time for momma. This is the first break I have had in days, the boys won't even let me out of their sites. And to top it all off I have gotten a smidgen of all the grossness as well. I can't even count how many loads of laundry I have done, how many puke piles I have cleaned up, or how many muddy diapers I have changed. 

I write all this cause these are the things that nobody warns you about when you are tossing around the idea of having a baby. You never think about how the world just comes to a stop when one or both of the kiddos has an illness. And it breaks my heart everyday to hear Eddie ask me to kiss his belly cause it hurts. Its the most awful thing ever and have broken down into tears many a times. I just start to think how parents who have really sick kids handle it all. 

On a positive note, I finally got my mommy car. I just got a Pacifica which I have been eyeing for a while. Its totally a mommy car and I keep assuring myself that its not a van even though it looks like one and drives like one. Its nice and I love it. Call me a mommy if you want to, that's who I am!

So momma will for sure be having a glass of wine tonight, being that the boys are able to keep things down at this moment. A toast is in order for all the mommies out there and all of our hard work that goes unnoticed. Cheers ladies!

New Year. New Me.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year. I'm not one for making resolutions but this year I decided to do it. I am going to take better care of myself. But I am going to take care of my total self. Mind, body and soul.

I want to lose weight, but more importantly I want to eat better, be wiser about the food I eat and not feel shame when I let myself some ice cream.

I want to learn something. Anything. I want to sit in a classroom and have somebody tell me something that I didn't read on the Internet.

And the number one thing, I want to be in a better state of mind so my husband and my kids get the best of me. I owe them that much. 

Things were crazy and at sometimes a little outta control last year. That kinda craziness has to stop! We all need to learn how to accept the past and try to make a better future. 2009 will be a great year for me and my family, because I am going to make it that way. I am excited about what life has in store for me. Should be fun!