Believe

As easy of a concept it seems to us, we often forget to believe. I always forget to believe and I have it freakin tattooed on my wrist, literally.

One of my biggest things in life is that we always have to believe. Believe in a higher power, that things will always get better, believe in love...whatever. Just that we need to believe in something.

So as we go through day to day life, and the stress of it gets to us all, we often forget to believe. And then it only makes it easier to fall into the negative and learn to hate life.

But today, I am choosing to believe that its gonna happen for me. I will someday find love, learn how to balance everything, finally finish school, and find 100% happiness within myself. So today I am choosing to believe.

Why I want to marry Justin Timeberlake

Oh where do I begin?? Justin, how I love you...let me count the ways!

First and foremost, I love how talented he is musically. I was thinking to myself this morning just how much music I love that he has either done, produced, featured in, wrote, collaborated or whatever. I love music, can't get through a day without it and I think he is so talented.

Number 2. He is freakin hilarious!! He has a great sense of humor and I love to laugh. What a great combination.

He can dance. And you know what they say, the way a person moves on the dance floor is how the do...well you know.

His smile. He has the CUTEST smile ever. There's such a sweet, innocent, boyish charm to that smile.

He's southern, so he knows how to treat a girl. At least this is what I tell myself.

Aye me, someday I will be Mrs. Timberlake. Someday...

OH BTW-the move went great! I am in my place now and living on my own. Its taking some getting used to but I will manage!

Moving day is near!

Tomorrow is the BIG day!!!!

I am nervous, excited, scared.

To be honest, I have never lived on my own. Ever! I went straight from living with my parents to living with my now soon to be ex husbands house. I've never had the opportunity to run around naked (well alone at least), have TOTAL control over the remote, or been fully financial responsible for rent and all the other bills.

I can not wait to take on this new journey.

For once, I can paint my toenails in the living room and not have to worry about anyone else. I can have pink towels and a purple duvet cover. The boys and I can blast the music and dance around and be goofy. I can do things my way, and just the way I want it. Yes I may be "alone" or as I like to say as alone as a single mom can get. Yes I may be broke by the time bills are paid. But I will be doing it my way. And that seems like a pretty awesome way to me!

Facebook is my daily entertainment

Its not a secret.

I wish I could keep my cool, be mysterious. But everyone knows it.

I am an avid Facebooker.

I don't think I am on of the obnoxious ones. You know one of those people that updates their status like every 5 minutes.And PLEASE tell me if I am one of those facebookers. Cause then I can delete you from my friends list. lol. 

I'm at work BOO.

or

Just took the kids to school, now running errands!

I usually put up one status and that stays for about a day. Unless there's a game on. Then I update with every shitty call or team victory.

But lately the really small things humor me. Like all the pages you can like on Facebook. I can seriously get lost for hours reading all the pages that are out there. You know ones like:

You say I'm dirty-minded, but how did you understand what I meant? ;)

I really shouldn't have said that...but you pissed me off.

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.

Me? Sarcastic? Never.

or my fav

Intelligent, classy, well-educated women who say FUCK a lot.

I'm a simple girl, simple things amuse me. I will no longer be ashamed to admit that I literally LOL when I read some of these things. Rest assured though that I only actually like the ones that are really funny. At least to me. But I just admitted to spending hours reading stupid things on the internet so I don't know how well you can trust my judgement.

Stupid s*#t I say

I am a well educated person. I like to educate myself on all things culture. And I usually think about the words I am going to say before I say the. Usually that is...

But sometimes the stupidest SHIT comes out of my mouth!!! Not dumb things a la Jessica Simpson but things that I just don't think about before I say them.

Take the other day for example. My dear sweet Luke was being a cranky 2 year old. He hadn't gotten a nap and I was keeping him up because it was too late to take a nap. So of course with every little thing he whines. "Hey Lucas do you want some candy (yes I DO result to desperate measures in desperate times)?". "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOO Mommy I don't want you!". So after several minutes of hearing him whine, I lost my cool and blurted out "Gosh do you have to act like such a little child?".

Or when I was watching that show Life on discovery with the boys. We were watching how the hyenas do sneak attacks on the lions at night because they out number the lions, and they steal the lions food. I mean we are watching it right there, its right in front of my face and I simply ask "Do hyenas eat meat?". Of course they do dumb ass, that's why they are risking their life and limbs right there on TV to steal a dead animal from a pride of lions.

Sometimes when I turn on a football game, and I have to ask "Who are they playing?" because its just not that obvious to me who the other team is, that's a classic.

But my all time favorite, and one that my family will never let me live down...I was cheering for basketball my freshman year. There really wasn't a crowd to be cheering for, I do believe our team was sucking butt, and I was literally exhausted. So our team goes up for a free throw. And us being the peppy cheerleaders that we were suppose to be, we needed to (as they say) show our spirit. And all I could think was "just get the f-ing ball in the hoop so we can get on with the game and go home" so right as the "crowd" went quiet, I shouted out "Get it in!". For EVERY ONE to hear.

So yes I say stupid shit, and I happen to say stupid shit a lot. You know a girl can only devote SO much time to being smart, funny, sexy, and well spoken. Every once in awhile, they real me comes out, and I have to say...its pretty comical.

The friendships I keep

So I should be packing. I move next weekend and I really need to get all my crap together. But as I often do, I am procrastinating so I veered my way over here and thought I would blog instead.

I got to thinking about the many friendships I keep and how odd my circle of friends is. Not that any of my friends are odd mind you, or maybe they are and that's why we get along so well. But I meant the situations of how I know them or what not that is odd.

Looking on Facebook (cause we all know that all 200 and something people on my friends list are the best of the best friends), you will see that I have several friends from all over the states. Colorado, Texas, Hawaii. Some of my friends are those that I made in high school. Some of my friends I have never even really met in person. 

But back to my "odd" friendships. I am one of the weird ones who oddly enough is able to stay friends with her exes. Its the truth. I still talk to my very first boyfriend from back in the day! But even weirder than that, I am still really good friends with one of my exes sisters. Even though she lives far away from me. And I am still kinda close with my ex husband.

Its kinda funny how we always tend to put all this thought and analyzing into our relationships, when somehow they all work out for the best in the end. Friends come and sometimes sadly they go. But those that matter the most to you in your life stay around and are always there for you. I wouldn't change any of my friendship, except maybe the location of a few, and I am so thankful that I have those that I can always count on.  

Just when you think you're having a bad day

God sees to always find a way to send you a little friendly reminder that it could always be worse for you.

I know that we all have our bad times. Losing a job, or a loved one. Or even just a series of unfortunate events like broken hearts, empty bank accounts, and unruly kids that just get you down in a funk. And just when you think that things couldn't get any more worse for you, you get your reminder.

I've been having a bad last few days. With my trip to the ER Saturday, things at work, and moving within a weeks time, I've been a little stressed. And when your stressed out things just don't seem to go your way. So to be totally honest, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.

But I had a patient today that totally changed my thinking. This patient of ours had a seemingly standard procedure scheduled. We were set to remove 2 teeth for him. But sadly enough, he had Alzheimer's and had the mindset of a 5 year old. The poor guy was terrified. After everything was said and done, I was talking to the man and his caretakers that were there with him. While explaining to his caretakers that he would need to be on a liquid diet for the next few days I suggested things like juices, broths and milkshakes. The mere mention of milkshakes caught his attention and brought a gleam to his eye.

"I can have milkshakes?" he asked me.

"Do you like milkshakes?" I asked him back.

"Uh-huh!"

So I told him that I liked milkshakes too and I wish that I could join him for one but I had to stay at work and he so innocently replied back to me "You're not going to get mad at me for having one are you?".

Of course I told him no and assured him that he deserved a big milkshake for everything he had to go through.

Its times like that when you are reminded just how fragile life is. My heart breaks for anyone that has had to deal with Alzheimer's in any way, shape, or form as it is the most difficult disease to live with. So I went on with my day reminded just how lucky I am to have what I do have. Yes sometimes bad things happen, but its never anything that I can't handle and I know that I can only be a better person in the end.

Random thoughts

Welcome folks to another edition of Random Thoughts by Courtney. So since the work week is BUSY and I have to move in a few weeks, my thoughts are kinda scattered and random lately. Buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight, we have some really random ones today.

~So I passed a house on my way to work this morning where the people who lived there must have raked leaves over the weekend because there was a huge pile of leaves in the front yard. I have to say that a REALLY huge part of me wanted to pull my car over and jump into the pile. So what if I am 28 years old? And it was dark out? And I didn't know the people who lived there?

~Really what do people think when they see me jamming out to music at 5:30 in the morning in my car? Do they think "Wow I wish I could be that happy of a person and find joy at being up so freaking early in the morning"? Or do they think "Listen crazy, its 5:30 in the morning, chillax!"? I'm pretty sure its the later.

~Is Lady Ga Ga really so weird like 100 percent of the time? Do you really think she walks around draped in meat while she's grocery shopping or picking out underwear?

~You know I usually don't mind being lost in a crowd. Even though I am a lovely Leo and I like the spotlight on me, I don't mind being a small fish in a big pond. But lately it feels like instead of being lost in the crowd, the crowd has almost swallowed me whole and I have become the ground that they trample on. Its an odd feeling and I don't know any other way to describe it.

~I've gone a little boy crazy lately. Blame it on my raging hormones. Blame it on me being single. Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol...lol. But I can't help myself with all these cute boys I keep running into lately. Unfortunately most of them are married. Or taken. Or don't notice me. Go figure. Such is my luck.

~OH-I thought I was having a heart attack Saturday. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to go to the ER outta fear that they would tell me that I am not so intelligent and it was just gas or a pulled muscle. But the pains in my chest where just WAY too much so my ex-husband took me in. Turns out I had pleurisy which is basically an infection between your heart and lungs. So I am not dying, nor did I have a heart attack. But I am better now, and I can officially say I have never been more freaked in my life.

~BTW-I have never felt more alone in my whole entire life than I did with my little ER episode Saturday. Yes my ex and I are still on good grounds and no I am not trying to play pity party on Courtney. But since my mom and dad live like an hour away, I had no one else to call on in my hour of need. I felt really alone and it probably made me freak even more than what I needed to.

 ~With all the sad sack thoughts I have been having, it humors me that my eternal "half glass full" spirit in me immediately follows a sad dark thought with "but hey it could always be worse and you can only make it better.". I guess its kinda comforting to know that sad thoughts I have sometimes are just fleeting and that I will always find the brighter side of things.

~On the plus side, I finally tried Nutella and I am in LOVE!! The good thing, I get the taste and joy of chocolate and its semi ok for me to eat. At least its not loaded with like high fructose corn syrup and all.

Music is the soundtrack of my soul

Ok so I may not be THAT big of a music freak, but I do love music. I usually have music on no matter what I'm doing. We have it on at work, I can't drive without it, and me and the boys LOVE to put on music and dance around. So its always on for me.

But I got to thinking today about those certain songs that stick with us. Yeah there's always something new to listen to or some great new artist, but it truly is the "classics" that stay with us forever. So I thought I would share some of my favs with you.

And here they are in no particular order:

~Me and My Girlfriend by JayZ featuring Beyonce. I pretty much love anything by JayZ but this is my favorite. I never get sick of this one.

~She's Got a Way by Billy Joel. My first boyfriend danced with me to this song on our first date. That is a memory I will never forget.

~Kiss by Prince. Because no matter how old that song is, you can't help but sing along and dance to it.

~ I just called to say I Love You by Stevie Wonder. This song of course was very popular when I was very young but I used to sing it all the time. When I lived in Texas and was SO far away from my family, I used to call them and sing this song to them. I feel its important to just call someone to say you love them.

~Sunshine of my Life by Stevie Wonder. This song always makes me think of my boys because they are the sunshine of my life. I used to listen to this song ALL the time when I was pregnant with my first son Eddie. The lyrics are really sweet.

~Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra. Also done by my boyfriend Micheal Buble and also by The Laurie Berkner Band which unless your a parent of small children you may not know the later artist. When Luke was a baby he didn't really like listening to music at night like his big brother does. So I would rock him in the rocking chair and sing. And his favorite was Fly me to the Moon. He still loves to hear it now.

~Crazy in Love by Beyonce. Haha. This song was REALLY popular the summer that I turned 21. That was a GREAT summer and I still have the best memories from so long ago. And yes I still try to pop my booty like Beyonce does in the music video every time I hear it.

~Anything by the Beatles. My whole family is very much into music but I remember nights when my dad and I would just sit together and listen to music. Some nights it was Meryl Haggard, some nights it was Creedence Clear Water, but most nights it was the Beatles. I was SO fascinated with the fact that my dad was a teenager when they were first out and he would tell me stories about how he watched them LIVE on American Bandstand. Good times.

~Anything by Madonna. Because it reminds me of growing up with my sister and how much we were in love with her. I remember when my sister was in high school and drove her Saab. We would blast Madonna in her CD player and cruise around the streets of Grand Junction.

~Some Broadway things like the soundtrack of Chicago, Les Miserable, Oklahoma, and so many more. Because they remind me of my high school days when I had big dreams of going to a performance arts school and performing on Broadway some day. I still love the theatre to this day so yes sometimes my music to jam to is Broadway tunes.

Its funny how some lyrics to certain songs can really get to you. Some you hear and LOVE until the radio out plays them and then you never want to listen to again. But there are those that stick with you forever and you will never get tired of hearing them. I have many more songs that mean so much to me but I could go on forever with those.