Guilt

I'm a mom. I feel it all the time. Guilt. It eats at me. And over the silliest things sometimes.

Yesterday was awful. Yet again my allergies have my head completely plugged up. The irony being that I can't breathe out of my nose, but it was running constantly. I couldn't even get up and walk to the kitchen because the pressure was awful. So I laid on the couch. I laid on the couch all day long and only got up when absolutely necessary.

Which meant that the boys played alone all day long. They got toys out, played blocks, built legos, watched movies or cartoons. But without the company of mommy. And it made me feel even more miserable. Because I felt guilty that I was resting and trying to feel better. Yes I felt guilty that I wasn't feeling good and couldn't build legos with them.

Its always there. I have gotten better about getting away and having alone time. The first few times, even the thought of alone time made me feel guilty. But I got more used to taking my alone time. Now I feel guilty when I have my alone time and I enjoy it. The guilt just never ends.

It never ends because I am a mother. And because I am a mother, I feel the need to devote my whole life to these little guys. I am getting better, and I have realized that to be a good mother to these guys I have to take care of myself. Sometimes that means resting when I am sick, or getting out by myself when I feel I need a break. And I know that the guilt is a good thing. Because it means my little guys are always on my mind and in my heart.